Life Review Part 1

For various reasons I have been a rather reflective mood recently. It may be the influence of our first Minnesota winter, a record one at that, with large snow piles, some over 10 feet tall, having been present since about Thanksgiving, with fresh layers of snow occurring something like 15 out of the 20 days in the new year. However, I believe it has had more to do with my strong sense of "exhaustion." I use that term in the sense of the exhausting of resources. Referring in somewhat ascending order of importance, to financial, physical, mental, and emotional resources. In some ways these also include spiritual, but I find that seems to have a different "source" and needs to be examined in a very different manner.

The most "easily examined" is my physical health. I just underwent an angiogram, first since 2004, to update the status of my CAD and try to assess the nature of some current discomfort. The result showed that things are about the same as expected. Some slight, but not "significant," increase in arterial "blockage" with no intervention necessary. It was again confirmed that all 3 of the bypasses done in 1998 had failed relatively quickly. One didn't seem to "take" at all, a second failed between 3-13 months after the procedure, and the third was blocked for a year until it was corrected by a stent. The two stents placed in 2004 made a significant difference in my energy and stamina at the time and seem to be holding well. However, as was described at the time, the status does not seem to be "life shortening" but rather "only" limiting as to "activities." I think that just means I can't do as much as I might. let alone what I would like.

Since about the same time, 2004, I have been dealing with peripheral neuropathy. This started as some slight numbness on the soles of my feet. It was significant enough at the time that I underwent a battery of tests, which at first showed signs of MS, but further testing confirmed that it was not MS. The neurologist at the time indicated that he did not know what the cause was and was somewhat "stumped." I did have lesions/"scars" in the brain which had been the cause for the first assumption by the radiologist that it was Multiple Sclerosis (Scarring). Since then the numbness has been spreading up my legs and now includes my hands and lower arms. I visited a neurologist after our move to MN. His preliminary diagnosis was similar to the Oregon neurologist, "idiopathic" (sometimes I think "idiotic") which means "unknown cause." After further tests, including brain function, he indicated that the lesions on my brain possibly were unrelated to the neuropathy and may actually be residual effects of malaria that I had as a child in Jamaica. He referred me to a specialist at the U of MN with the earliest available appointment almost 4 month away. I finally saw the specialist and his first assessment was again "idiopathic," but he was intrigued enough that he asked if I would like to consider undergoing some further testing to possibly narrow down some aspects. The most likely "candidate" for cause may well be a form of auto-immune disorder, but there may not be any real clarification of cause or prognosis even with further tests. The one major "positive" analysis so far is that the neuropathy is almost entirely limited to sensory nerves and has not effected motor neurons. However, I still find it very discomforting that it seems like I have limited sensory function in the hands and arms as well as very limited sensory function essentially from the waist down.

The cardiac and neurological conditions produce physical and financial drains which are evident and of concern but are not the most "exhausting" of what I consider my most "valuable" resources. These conditions seem relatively minor compared to some of the mental and, to a much greater extent, emotional issues that "plague" me now. I will address some of these in my next blog.

Queries

This was written 30 years ago, but remains essentially my response. However, as I have stated before, the way in which I might describe this has probably been modified over the last "half" of my life. This seems so long ago in many respects and yet my mind often seems to say that I am still 35 years old while my body says, "Not."

"I consider Christ the one true guide but recognize the need for other guides to assist as we live our lives on a daily basis. For this reason I appreciate the genius of the Query form. The Queries do imply a correct answer or authority but indicate the answers are within the person as Christ is with us in a creative freedom. The questions and helpful guides come from outside while the answers and one true guide are “within.” It is of no small importance to me that the record of just how the Queries were originally formulated is not readily available. The most thorough discussion of this that I am aware of is in a few pages of The Later Periods of Quakerism in which Rufus Jones states that Friends “slowly accumulated … a body of advices and Queries.” It seems that the earliest Queries were those which asked about the difficulties and growth being experienced within the Society.

“As fresh moral issues arose, and as the ‘testimonies’ of the Society grew defined

in relation to the practices of the world, the list of Queries enlarged. They grew

in number and importance until they embodied almost all the essential aspects

of the Quaker moral ideal, and they furnished a kind of silent confessional for each

individual member, as well as a moral measuring rule to guide the Overseers in

their work of looking after the flock.”

Search: 30 yr old conclusion

The following is the conclusion to a paper exploring my “Search for Truth and Reality” in a course at ESR 30 years ago. Although I would probably compose this with examples in a very different way now, I still identify with what I wrote back then. It requires some understanding of the context of Britain and the Colonies 300 years ago, but the acceptance of universal truth and the reality of the unity of all people still “speaks my mind.”

It is clear that the earliest Friends utilized a question and answer format for discussing Quaker issues, for example Barclay’s Apology and Penington’s “Some questions and answers, showing mankind his duty.” One of the more expert practitioners of the dialogue format was William Penn. One of the reasons for this is that Penn had been trained at Oxford and truly seemed to enjoy the Socratic method with the give and take of hard questions and thoughtful responses. In many of his writings there is a strong sense of seeking which was evident among early Friends. “Truth never lost ground by inquiry, because she most of all is reasonable.”

In Penn’s “Holy Experiment” the balance between individual liberty and egalitarian government was explored. The creative tension between the two seemed to lead to the use of Queries in developing Quaker structure, even though “there was not, indeed, to human appearance, anything systematic in its formation.” A number of early Friends took a strong interest in Penn’s government and offered advice, if not corrections, to the plan. Penn’s recognition of the tension between individual liberty and corporate government is evidenced in the statement. “Liberty without obedience is confusion, and obedience without liberty is slavery.” Religious tolerance and individual freedom extended even to the point of not demanding others to join them but once having made the choice, a member was expected to submit to discipline. “They compel none to them, but oblige those that are of them to walk suitable, or they are denied.” While control and obedience were expected within the circle of Friends, the toleration other religions extended even to encouraging the establishment of other houses of worship in “Quaker territory.” The first American Roman Catholic Church was built in Philadelphia as well as one of the earliest Jewish synagogues.

Penn’s defense of individual freedom did not stop with religions but was an inclusive perception that extended even to philosophers and Gentiles. “The Gentiles believed that there was one God, that He enlightened all men with a saving light, that all men ought to live piously, that the soul is immortal, that there is an eternal recompense.” The individual freedom within subjection is addressed by Penn:

“Question: Ought I not to be left to the grace of God in my own heart?

Answer: That is of all things most desirable, since they are well left who are left there;

For there is no fear of want of unity, where all are left with the one Spirit of Truth.”

However, it is clear to Penn that there is a Unity of the Spirit of God. “It is only God, the only Lord of conscience, Father of Lights and Spirits who can enlighten the mind and persuade and convince the understanding of people.”

Search: Friends School

In the spring of my second year at William Penn, I found out about a new position at Moorestown Friends School in New Jersey. This was the newly developed Chester Reagan Chair in Faith and Practice. It was a combination of secondary school teaching, curriculum development, and ministry to students and faculty. It was with a good deal of anticipation and happiness that my family returned to the east coast and to a new adventure in Friends Education.

During my first two years at MFS I spent a good deal of time reexamining many of the writings from early Friends and some new ones. However, the more I sought answers from others, the more I recognized that it is in asking the right questions that the right answer finds us. As I wrote in the school’s annual on the theme of mystery

The greatest mystery

Is in seeking Truth and Love

We become the found.

I determined that my spiritual guide needed to be that which had found me. In early Friends language, I had been found by Christ and I was leaving myself there. I marveled at the twists and turns that had occurred which led me to that point and had numerous questions. Is there A path, or is it more like a mansion with many rooms and doors opening among them. Are there answers, or is it that all questions can lead toward the answer. Is it my training in developing hypotheses and then asking questions to formulate a new hypothesis that contributes to my use of the question format in my seeking.

I also became aware of the need for correctives in my questioning. Two of the main ones are the writings of early Friends and the Queries. The use of William Penn’s Fruits of Solitude was helpful in recognizing the discipline of concisely stating mileposts along the way. I believe that too often we may not share what or who we have already found as we continue our search. We recognize that we have not found the final answers but we should share answers that we have found along the way or at least the markings that have guided us thus far. The Queries have been used as guides along the way which may be appropriately asked at very different times and places but which continually point in the direction toward which we should be tending.